You may not know this about me, but I am a dating doctor. It’s my side-hustle. I play cupid. I help my friends find love, mostly my dude-bros, as the poor blokes seem to be flailing and deeply questioning their dating prowess.
Thus, I have become a dating app-strategist so to speak. And, given that men and women don’t exactly meet at Friday night hootenannies and barn dances anymore like our parents’ generation did, I’m assisting my friends in “not blowing it” on the dating apps. Love has gone cyber and it can be a tricky medium to navigate.
Given that I am a women who has been sufficiently “turned off” by the faux pas that these poor blokes obliviously repeat time and time again, I take it upon myself to swoop in – and try – to save the day.
I’ve somehow convinced several of my single friends that I am a “game-artist,” and I now receive multiple texts per day soliciting dating advice. I have even taken under my wing a few dudes who I met on dating apps who received the “head pat/let’s be platonic friends” speech from me after the first date. They got the, “Text me if you need insights into the female psyche, ok sweetie?.” And they do. Giving advice (especially dating advice) is kind of a maniacal obsession of mine, so I am basically in my element.
My manifesto: dating should not be a battle of the genders where everyone is hunkered down in the trenches anticipating their impending doom. We already live in a sad world, a world of global warming and political upheaval. Dating should be a FUN reprieve from all of that.
Dating should be full of giddiness and giggles, butterflies in your stomach, hand-holding, and watching sunsets from bridges after candlelit dinners. Dating should fly you on its wings and make your heart sing. #foreveraromantic.
My friend Esteban just gave me free reign over his Bumble account. This weekend we did a bitchin’ photo shoot and wrote a bio that specifically does not conjure up cereal killer images. His pics reveal congenial smiles, great lighting, and eyes not concealed behind sunglasses and baseball caps. His bio includes the right amount of wit and humor while still revealing that he is a descent, trustworthy “future dad” who you could totally picture driving your kids to soccer in a mini van 10 years down the road. His profile is now, wait for it…AWESOME!
What about me?
I suppose my heart is just incubating for the time being. It’s not that I am “jaded” per say, it’s just that I have a very specific image of what I am looking for in a life mate. This specific image is Julia Robert’s love interest in the 2010 romcom “Eat Pray Love.” This movie is based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s best selling memoir of her journey towards finding self-love. As an added bonus, she also finds “true love” in the form of a Brazilian businessman, Felipe, played by the actor Javier Bardem. Unfortunately, Javier Bardem is off the market. He is married to Penélope Cruz.
Felipe, however, is a great prototype of my future husband – confident without being egotistical, chivalrous and doting without being a chovanist…oh, and he has an accent, which, if you know me, is high on my list (eye-roll, I know). Hollywood has apparently ruined me.
So, until my Brazilian prince comes riding up on his white mare, I’ll just help the rest of those flailing in love on their conquests to find it. Playing cupid has, admittedly, been my favorite thing ever since I was 3 officiating the nuptials of ken and Barbie. I have now graduated from barbies to humans. #Adulting