I met a guy on a dating App called “Hinge” who was semi-cute, semi-successful, semi-educated, and 100% green when it came to online dating. The guy admitted to being a “dating app virgin” and implored teasingly that I “be gentle.” 

I know. What a sexy premise to a blind date. I informed him that – due to the fact I am not a nice person – I planned on teasing him relentlessly during the date. I would give him a salacious hug upon greeting him – hurling him into a state of hysteria, then subtly play footies with him while he stuttered and stammered through our conversation. 

In his defense, he then informed me that he would tell the waiter that it was my birthday, and request that the entire staff come to our table and sing me happy birthday. 

None of the above things happened. We had a lovely vibe and a humorous conversation about how we should “like totally” start a cult together as there is big money to be made in that industry. We ended the date agreeing that we should, for sure, hang out again.

Unfortunately, our post-date text exchange revealed him to be an “eager beaver,” with no game. It was a hero to zero scenario. Poor guy. 

I should also note that my friend Sarah and I are co-writing a “Dating Guidebook for Men” and the “reading between the lines text exchange analysis” below will be in the book. His name won’t, because although I may be bitchy, I do have a threshold. I really think that all young men can learn from this, which, really in my mind, make me more humanitarian than bitchy.

How to Blow a Text Exchange in 5 Easy Steps

(A real life wiping-out scenario with added commentary)

Him:

That was the best date I’ve ever been on. It was great meeting you. Let me know when/if you want to do it again sometime.

Translation: I’m super duper into you. I will happily let you plan all future dates.

Me:

It was great meeting you as well. Next weekend? Saturday or Sunday? Maybe lunch or a hike?

Translation: 

Please tell you have enough leadership skills to pick A or B.

Him:

“Sure, I’m down for anything. I’m pretty free, so just let me know.”

Translation: 

I have no life and am thrilled to allot all of my unlimited free time to hanging out with you.

Him:

I don’t want to sound too eager, but weekdays are cool too.

Translation:

(Cue dog panting)

Me:

I would be down to hang on weekdays, But I generally end up being too tired at the end of my work days to be social in the evenings. 

Translation: 

My weekdays are reserved for guys with the ability to make decisions and/or are really good looking.

Me:

Also, not sure if I entirely spelled out what I’m looking for in a relationship, but basically I’m wanting slow-easing into the realm of dating. In the spirit of transparency, I kind of just want to have fun this summer and hang with people who make me laugh, which you do, thus I am down to hang again. 

Translation:

Your sense of humor is your only saving grace at this point. Don’t blow it, eager beaver.

Him:

Thanks for telling me how you’re feeling/what you’re looking for.

Translation: (Sulking)

Me:

What are you looking for in dating?

Him: 

Oh, you know, love in both directions. Is that old-fashioned now? (Wink)

Translation: Tell me you’re not swooning hardcore for me too after our astronomically awesome first date? (Batting curly eye lashes)

Me:

You wanna fall in love? (Wink)

Translation:

Soooo, there is a romantic bone in your body? Woo me Casanova.

Him:

Of course. No one says, “I wanna fall in like.”

Translation:

As in, I wanna fall in love…with you (in case that wasn’t clear).

Me:

I feel like there is a lot of falling “in like” in the dating app world. Falling “in love” entails pulling on heart strings. So, are you a romantic? If so, how do you express this romanticism? (Wink)

Translation:

This is now a job interview. You have failed in the categories of confidence, leadership, motivation, and gentlemanliness. If you are, in fact, a romantic, which I doubt, you have one last opportunity to impress, but you will have to bust out the big guns – Rumi-poem me or go home.

Him:

Maybe you’ll find out in the fall, or winter, or spring (Wink)

Translation:

My curly eyelashes are all I got. 

Me:

I’m sorry, I think there is just too much of a disparity in what we are looking for in dating. Due to my limited free time, I’m just not looking to dial into something with too much pressure right now. It was great meeting you. I wish you all the best on the dating apps. Your second date will be a breeze now that you are a veteran.

Translation:

Head pat.

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