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So, I’ve been on a dating app embargo for the last year, but my girlfriend encouraged me to join Bumble with her. Bumble seemed relatively benign in the world of dating apps, and very female-empowering. When there is a “match” on bumble, the girl has to make the first move, aka, instigate a conversation. This was my match for the eve.

Me: Hey Ryan, I like to laugh. What can you bring to the table? 

Him: Many witticisms, absurdist jokes, sly and dry humor, deadpan expressions, you name it! 

Me: I instagram stalked you. I also like matte.

Him: Ha, stalk away. If it’s not too personal to ask, what’s your favorite flavor of yerba matte drink?

Me: Unsweetened lemon mint. I add extra lemon and stevia. I feel like that was a lot of personal information. What is yours? 

Him: I apologize for my overstep (wink). If I’m drinking a can of it, I usually go orange mint. If it’s a bottle, I go mint or peach. If it’s lose leaf, I just leave it at that. I guess that’s a lot of caveats. 

Did you get an extra day off today?

Me: Thanks for your open sharing and vulnerability. I had clients today because I am a masochist like that. J/K, I’m actually a professional sloth who works on holidays to be a nonconformist. What about you? 

Him: I’m glad we are so open and honest. It’s refreshing. Like matte. 

Me: If you wanna hang sometime and have a matte-chugging contest or something then cool. Balls against the walls: I am currently single, my ex is my bestie, and I’ve been nursing a broken heart over a proverbial James Bond for a few months. 

Him: I too am nursing a broken something over some such thing or whatever. Since we’re speaking in proverbs, my friend told me to “get back on the horse” in the dating world as it were. So I’m down to chug matte or something. If you’d like to communicate via text to arrange something, my number is…

(Via text)

Me: Hey Ryan, random stalker here.

Him: What a good feeling. I love to be stalked. 

Me: You’re downing a can of orange matte right now.

Him: Dang, you can see through my window?

Me: Wanna hang this weekend?

Him: Sounds groov.